I need people to need me. I have been aware of this trait for many years, probably all my life. Yet it is one trait that I couldn’t really do the logic trick on and twist it to my benefit. What do I mean by that? Well, I usually manage to work with negative things and turn them into positives. For example: one of my ‘negative’ traits was- that I over analyse everything. I used to feel embarrassed when people accused me of it, but I managed to turn that around and now I acknowledge its strength because I am good at analysing everything and it helps me in my therapy business.
The need to be needed is different, but today I came up with a solution to the ‘why?’ Note: I didn’t say the solution.
Being born late into a large family, I think I grappled for my purpose. I know many people ponder their ‘purpose’ but as an extremely sensitive child, I think it was a deep pursuit and I recall feeling the nightly torture of an imaginative 6 year old.
But back to the aha moment…
The holes that I scoured out by feeling not quite ‘enough'(… see previous post about should’ve been a boy) needed to be filled. In my young mind, I thought that filling the pain would only come from the ‘outside’ so I looked at parents, siblings, friends, jobs and lovers to fill it. Yet it was like putting polyfilla on a place where a brick is needed. However the brick comes from the inside.
Moi. It is in my capacity to fill it.
How? Well, the awareness is the first (and often the most difficult) step. No matter how many crises I fix, tend to, help with, my internal crisis can only be fixed by acknowledging, understanding then loving. How do I love brokeness? How do I love me? That seems to be frightening for most people, yet I have already started it. By repeating again and again…
I am enough.
I need me. Even if I have an unconscious mantra going ‘but they don’t need’ you, the faint echo is now heard and I let it speak then take a breath and silently hear ‘ I am enough’. And you know what? So are you!